She really is queen.
Amy Schumer’s new book, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo, is hilarious and packed with deeply honest stories about her childhood, relationships, and experiences as a comic, writer, and showrunner. It’s also full of incredibly funny, real talk-style observations about womanhood. Here, eight of the very best:
1. On what motivates teenage girls: “I [volunteered at a camp for people with special needs] because the boys were doing it, and I wanted to have a soccer player’s tongue in my mouth before I died.”
2. On how she draws sexual boundaries: “I have never had anal. (I would be willing, but they say you can’t eat for a couple hours beforehand, and I don’t see that happening.)”
3. On why it’s so important for single women to know their worth (written after a horrible date arranged by a matchmaker): “[Women] don’t deserve to be manipulated into thinking this is something they should strive for — this decaying turkey of a man who’d been encouraged to believe, like so many other men, that he was a great prize for someone like me.”
4. On being unexpectedly presented with a massive Moby: “I have a small mouth, and the size of this hog was like nothing I’d ever seen. I felt like a musician performing on the deck of the Titanic, knowing there was nothing I could do but go down.”
5. On unrealistic beauty standards: “Do they think models size 6 and above can’t make it to the end of the runway without stopping midway for a burrito? Enough, enough with these waifish elves walking your impossible clothing down an ugly runway with ugly lighting and noisy music. Life doesn’t look like that runway.”
6. On getting a crush on her trainer: “On the evolution chart, this guy and I were at opposite ends. I was dragging my knuckles, sniffing around for bananas, throwing my own feces at tourists, and he was a Disney prince but with more sex appeal. I reached out and was all, ‘Can you help me with my diet?’ and he was all, ‘Sure, let’s meet up at this healthy-eating place,’ and I was all, ‘Here comes the bride.’ “
7. On letting your vagina be herself: “Vaginas are supposed to look and smell like vaginas. Keep your strange scented washes away from me, women’s magazines. I’ll allow my vag to keep its natural aroma of chicken noodle soup, thank you very much.”
8. On being described as a funny woman: “First, I’d like to thank all the people who pointed out that I was a woman…You made sure I didn’t lose sight of my ovaries. Thank you. Without your constant reminders, I may have just forgotten my uterus on a crosstown bus, but you guys made me perpetually aware that I bleed once a month and I can tell a joke!”
From Cosmo US
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